The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why  
          we're doing this.

Four questions:

1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
   making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it  
was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

 Wise child-explain Passover.
 Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.
 Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
 Silent child(who does not know how to ask a question)-explain  
   Passover loudly.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets  
five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt.
Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues  
upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red  
Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander  
40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in  
Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being  
persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies,
It would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not  
parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If he'd parted the  
Red Sea---- etc.

Explain the burnt offering, Matzoh, and bitter herbs.

(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Make a sandwich. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Pay the $5 to the child who finds the hidden Matzoh.

Amen.